Heartaches of a Hero
by SiriusElvenStar
Summary: OotP spoiler Harry Potter's heart shattered the moment that his godfather died. Sirius meant the world to him. But how far is Harry willing to go in order to be reunited with Sirius again? Is death the only way?
1. Losing Hope

**Heartaches of a Hero**

**By: SiriusElvenStar  
**

Disclaimer: Sigh I do not own these character; all belong to JK Rowling.

A.N.: Oh boy, another story. Order of the Phoenix left me in denial for a while, but I'm finally starting a sixth year fic. Other stories WILL be updated still, I promise!

This Chapter: Harry goes into a severe depression.

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**Chapter 1: Losing Hope**

It was another hot summer evening on Number 4, Privet Drive, and for the Dursley family, it was one like every other night. The temperature was approximately sixty degrees as the sun set beyond the horizon. Every now and then, kids would run by, hurrying to go get supper or a car would pass by the little house containing a tired parent who had just had an exhausting day at work. Yes, it seemed like every other night to the unaware Muggle residents of Little Whining, but to a young wizard, the night was anything but ordinary.

Harry Potter lay on his back of the backyard of his uncle's house. He had been lying there all day, thinking, thinking about life. He felt like he had just been soul-sucked by a dementor. He felt empty, lost, and miserable. The worst memories of his life kept repeating themselves inside his head. Harry shut his eyes. He felt strangely cut off from the rest of the world, and was tuning out from all things around him. Vaguely, he heard Aunt Petunia was calling him inside, but he didn't care.

Harry rolled over on the soft, dewy grass with his eyes still closed. How long had it been? One month today. One whole month since the little bit of life that he had left had been ripped from him, once again…

_Only one couple was still battling. Harry saw Sirius duck from Bellatrix's jet of red light: he was laughing at her. "Come on, you can do better than that!" he yelled. The second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest. The laughter had not quite died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock._

_Harry jumped down the steps again, pulling out his wand, running towards the only person he had ever had to a father_…_the one person that he cared more than anyone else in the world_…_the one person who cared about Harry enough to die for him…his godfather_…__

_It seemed to take Sirius ages to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backward through the ragged veil hanging from the arch. And Harry saw with a mingled look of fear and surprise on his godfather's wasted, once handsome face as he fell through the doorway and disappeared behind the veil, which fluttered for a moment as though in a high wind and fell back into place._

_"SIRIUS!"__ Harry yelled. "SIRIUS!"_

Harry opened his eyes and drew a ragged breath. And that was it. That was how the one person in the world who he cared the most about him was taken from him. The memory was still fresh in his mind. He could still hear the screaming at night. And Bellatrix's taunting still rang in his ears.

_"Aaaaaah…did you love him, little baby Potter?"_

Harry sighed. The answer to that was easy. Yes, he loved Sirius, more than anything. He just wished he had a chance to tell him that before he died. He didn't even get a chance to say goodbye…that's what killed him the most. Harry never got to say how much that Sirius meant to him…how much of a father Sirius was to him…how much he loved him…how much he would miss him…

And Merlin, he missed him.

His life seemed meaningless to him now. He was Harry Potter, The Boy-Who-Lived, and the orphan who had lost his parents and godfather to the Dark Side. He was the one and only chance of ever defeating Voldemort and the symbol of hope to the magical world, yet they still mocked and doubted him.

Harry rolled over thoughtfully. Why did he have to do this? Why did he have to keep surviving day in and day out, just to lose everything every time? He didn't have to put up with this any more. He didn't owe the world anything, and he had nothing to gain from anyone.

So why did he put up with this? He could just end it all and leave the rest of the world to solve their own problems, and he could go off on his own way and finally have the life he had always wanted.

Harry rolled over again and sighed heavily. He was so caught up in his thoughts at the moment, that he didn't hear a loud crack off in the distance...

* * *

Mundungus Fletcher Apparated back to Number Twelve Grimmauld Place with a deep frown on his face. Now, anyone who really knew Mundungus could tell there was a problem right there: Mundungus was the most carefree person in the world.

But what had him so worried now?

Mundungus had just got done with his twelve hour shift watching over sixteen-year-old Harry Potter. The boy was unnaturally thin, and even from a distance, he could see dark circles under his eyelids. The boy was in a severe depression and needed some serious help and fast.

"Damn it, Sirius," Mundungus swore. "Why did you 'ave to go off and get yourself killed?"

"Mundungus, is that you?" came Arthur Weasley's voice from the kitchen. "The Order is ready to start."

Mundungus mentally kicked himself. The Order of the Phoenix meeting, he had completely forgotten about it. With a sigh, Mundungus walked into the kitchen. This was not going to be pretty.

Everyone was present. Dumbledore was standing at the front of the room. Professors McGonagall, Snape, and Hagrid were also present. Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks were talking quietly to each other in a corner. Arthur Weasley and the rest of his family were present: Molly had finally cracked and allowed Ron and Ginny to join, and Fred and George were of age now, but Percy was still not present. The Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, and Neville Longbottom and were there as well. Sitting next to them was Mad-Eye Moody, Kingsley Shacklebolt, and the other members of the Advance Guard.

"Hello Mundungus," Dumbledore said politely as Mundungus took his seat. "How was your shift?"

Mundungus' look darkened and he put his head in his hands and mumbled a long string of words in which "Harry" and "Sirius' death" were clearly distinguishable. The members of the Order exchanged sorrowful and sympathetic looks.

Molly Weasley was the first to speak. "Mundungus," she said softly. "We all know that Sirius' death is upsetting him––"

"UPSETTIN' 'EM!" Mundungus roared, leaping out of his chair. "UPSETTIN' 'EM? SIRIUS' DEATH AIN'T UPSETTIN' 'EM, IT'S BLOODY KILLIN' 'EM, THAT'S WHAT IT'S DOIN'!"

The unexpected outburst made everyone jump, but when Mundungus had ended, the entire room was sitting in a stunned silence. Some people had their mouth's open, while others just stared. Molly looked close to tears. Mundungus sighed.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "But it's true. I've been watchin' 'em from seven in the mornin' until now, and since I've gotten there, 'e 'as been lying in the backyard and 'asn't moved. I think 'e is starving himself and I don't think 'e is sleepin' either."

It was Dumbledore's turn to sigh. "I thought we all agreed that it would be best to give him his space."

"Yeah, but it's ain't right," Mundungus replied stubbornly. "'Arry doesn't need to deal with this by 'emself. He needs to be with someone. Mark my words; if it'd been one of us that died, Sirius wouldn't 'ave left 'em alone for a second. The boy needs 'elp, Dumbledore, 'e needs Sirius."

"Well, since that is currently impossible—"

"Then send 'em Remus," Mundungus said firmly. "If 'e can't have 'is godfather, then send 'em the next best person. Remus is great with kids and 'e knows 'Arry better than any other adult in this room."

The entire room was now focused on the werewolf among them. Remus had been very quiet during Mundungus' little speech, but then again, he didn't talk much after Sirius died. Remus looked up determinedly and focused his eyes on Mundungus.

"If Harry needs me, then of course I'll go," he said quietly.

"Believe me, 'e needs you," Mundungus replied resolutely. Remus nodded and stood up and made to leave, but Dumbledore stopped him.

"Hold on a minute, Remus," he said before turning to Mundungus. "I do not doubt your word Mundungus, but I believe we need a second opinion. Who is next on Harry's shift?"

"Me," Tonks said, holding up her hand. Dumbledore nodded to her and left the room to Disapperate outside. It wasn't even a whole minute before the Order heard Tonks' hurried footsteps coming back. She burst through the kitchen a second latter with a panicked look on her face.

"He's gone!"

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A.N.: OK…first chapter done! Swears there will be more and promises to update other stories soon. I moved a couple weeks ago across country and have been busy. Reviews are highly appreciated! REDID Chapter a bit!!! I tried to make Mundungus a little more in character. Tell me how I did. SiriusElvenStar

Next Chapter: Where did Harry go and how far is he willing to go to be with Sirius???


	2. A Broken Child

**Heartaches of a Hero**

**By: SiriusElvenStar**

Disclaimer: I still do not own these characters; all belong to JK Rowling.

A.N.: Sorry I'm taking forever, but I just moved two weeks ago and I'm in high school too, so I never have a spare minute. Now I do! Warning: suicidal references and very angsty… tissue alert

This Chapter: Where did Harry go and how far is he willing to go to be with Sirius???

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**Chapter 2: A Broken Child**

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There were no people out tonight as Harry Potter ran down through the usually busy street, but he took no care of this. _'The less witnesses, the better,'_ he thought.

It hardly seemed as of a few seconds ago, that he was lying on the soggy grass of his aunt and uncle's house wandering what fate had in store for him, when suddenly, it hit him. To Harry, it was like a dam in his mind broke free, and the sudden conclusion flooded down from his head to his feet like surging water, numbing all of the pain in between. All of his body was suddenly hell-bent on this one thought, this one obsession, and nothing in the world could stop him now as he ran the length of the yard and out into the darkness.

It was a clear night now with a nice, gentle breeze. All the stars were out and there was a half moon to shine the way of Harry's course. But Harry took no notice of this as he ran full speed down the concrete road toward the old wooden bridge. He panted and his body protested painfully, but Harry ignored the aches. It didn't matter any more. Nothing mattered any more.

Nothing.

Harry stopped short of the railing and paused to catch his breath, and when he realized what he was doing, he let out a soft chuckle. He took a slow step forward and put both hands on the railing, waiting for his body to calm down. Once it did, he swung one foot over, followed by the other, and leaned forward.

He was now hanging on the outside of the bridge, his hands being his only lifeline. Harry gazed out into the night sky and then dropped his gaze down to the shallow water below him. From the moon's reflection in the water, he could see the jagged points of the rocks below him. Harry took a deep breath and shut his eyes.

Warily, his mind drifted over to the people and events of his life leading up to last year. It finally stopped on Ron and Hermione and Remus and Dumbledore, and their reaction to this decision. Harry suddenly felt guilty about what he was about to do, but forced it away. They didn't understand. They wouldn't understand. But that didn't stop a single tear from streaming down his cheek.

Another face suddenly shone in the pool of water beneath him. He recognized the once handsome face of his godfather immediately. Harry's whole body shook with unsuppressed grief as Sirius' piecing grey eyes watched him from the watery surface, but Harry would not meet them. He felt that he had failed Sirius, and for that, he would never forgive himself.

For that, he did not deserve to live.

Harry opened his eyes and blinked the tears away before shutting them again. "I'm sorry," he whispered. And with that, he let go.

* * *

"He's gone? What do you mean he's gone?"

The entire Order of the Phoenix was in an uproar. Tonks' news that Harry was missing was not the reassuring response that they were waiting for. This new bit of information just added to their fears.

"It's just like I said, he's gone," replied Tonks exasperatedly. "He's not there, and there's no trace of him!" The room went quiet during Tonks' speech and erupted again once she was done.

"Where did he go?"

"Do you think he's okay?"

"Do you think You-Know-Who got him?"

The shouts only stopped when Dumbledore shot a couple sparks into the air with his wand. Everyone immediately lapsed into silence and took to their seats. Dumbledore lowered his wand and surveyed all the members through his half-moon spectacles.

"Now that everyone is calm," he started slowly. "We can decide the next best course of action. We do not want to jump to any conclusions, and we must keep an open mind about everything. Now, what is it that we know?"

"That Harry's missing," replied Tonks.

"Did you see anything while you were there, Tonks?" growled Mad-Eye Moody. "Any signs of a struggle?"

"No," Tonks replied firmly. "There's no trace of Dark Magic, or any magic at that. It's like he disappeared into thin air." There was an uneasy silence; then Mundungus spoke.

"Umm, I don't want to accuse the boy of anythin'," he mumbled uncertainly. "But, you did say to keep an open mind, Dumbledore. What I mean to say is…you don't think 'e would––you know…try anythin'…rash?"

From place in the corner, Ron scowled. "Harry wouldn't kill himself just because Sirius died," he snapped indignantly.

Crickets chirp (A.N.: Sorry, just felt that it would be appropriate. )

"Well, he wouldn't, would he?" Ron asked the unconvinced Order exchanged doubtful glances.

Over the previous year, the Order kept close tabs on Harry and his reactions to everything that went on around him. And when the boy had a problem, he would always look to Sirius for help. They had also noted that Sirius, even with the Order present, always seemed moodier when Harry was away.

Ron stared at the hesitant glances uncertainly and looked over to Hermione for reassurance, but she was sitting quietly next to him with tears streaming down her face.

Ron turned back around and gulped. "Uh oh."

"Ladies and gentleman," Dumbledore said sternly. "It is _essential_ that we find him."

"Hold on, hold on," Remus said getting up. "Now, we _all_ know that Harry would never forgive us if we rallied a huge search party for him based only on gut feeling, and it turns out that he was just taking a walk in the park. Let _me_ go and see if I can't find him. I can track him more quickly and see how he is doing. If I don't find him within a half hour, _then_ we can try a search party."

Dumbledore considered it and nodded. "We await your report then, Remus."

Remus nodded, walked outside, and Apparated to Privet Drive. He landed with a pop just outside Number Four. Remus looked around, checking to see that nobody saw that, and made his way towards the house. He wasn't even within ten feet of the house, when suddenly his werewolf nose picked up a familiar scent.

Remus sniffed again. It was Harry's scent all right, but it smelled so different, that the new scent scared him. It reeked of sorrow and pain and despair. Remus paused for a minute to collect himself before following the trail.

_'Mundungus was right,'_ he concluded gravely. _'He isn't even close to getting over Sirius.'_

The werewolf walked briskly as he followed the scent. It led him onto a busy road, which was strangely deserted, and down to an old wooden bridge. He followed the scent to the middle of the bridge and sniffed again.

_'That's strange,'_ Remus thought as he turned in a circle and sniffed. _'The trail just ends here.'_ Remus suddenly paused in mid-circle. He had picked up the scent again, but the strange thing was, it led towards the side of the bridge and just stopped.

_'Why would it stop here?'_ Remus questioned to himself. _'There's no way to go from here…unless—'_

Remus froze.

_'No. Harry wouldn't do that. He wouldn't do something like that just because Sirius died…'_ But in his heart Remus new that wasn't true. Sirius meant everything to Harry.

Remus wasted no time in running off the bridge. He flung himself around the corner and started down a trail that led down towards the riverbank and prayed to every god that he could think of and willed for Harry to be alive. He landed on the bank, turned around, and gasped.

"Harry..." He breathed.

He was sitting on the side of the bank hugging his knees with his chin resting on top. His clothes were soaked and he had several cuts and bruises on him. In all honesty, he looked horrible, but he was alive, and Remus silently said a thankful prayer to whatever god that was listening. After that was done, he cautiously took a step towards the boy.

"Harry?" he asked uncertainly.

There was no reply.

"Harry?" Remus asked again. "Please look at me."

Slowly, very slowly, Harry turned his head. Remus was shocked beyond belief to see tears streaming down Harry's face. He had never seen Harry cry. Remus stood there for a moment, helpless. Then, not knowing what else to do, he threw himself down on the ground and put his arms around the boy. Harry tensed for a moment, but relaxed slightly and continued crying silently.

"It's going to be okay, Harry, it's going to be okay," Remus told him softly.

He rocked Harry gently and for a few minutes and rubbed his back soothingly. Somewhere below him, Harry sniffed and his crying subdued. Remus squeezed him one more time before letting go. Harry turned away and wiped his face on his shirt before looking Remus directly in the eye.

"You followed me," Harry accused him softly.

"I came to find you," Remus replied, choosing his word carefully. The last the he wanted was for Harry to be angry with him. "And see how you were doing…"

Harry let out a hollow chuckle as he stood up. "I guess you know by now how I'm doing."

"Harry—" Remus started, but he was cut off.

"Well, isn't this rich," he interrupted sarcastically. "The Order sent you to check up on me and see how I'm doing. It's actually quite like asking someone what the weather is like when it's _clearly_ storming outside!" He finished seething as he kicked a rock into the river. It landed with a large 'plop'.

Remus got up and walked over to him. He reached out and tried to put a hand on Harry's shoulder, but he jerked out of reach. Remus tried a more direct approach.

"Harry, believe it or not, I didn't just come here because the Order made me to," he said fiercely, his eyes looking sternly into Harry's. "I came because I care. I came because I care about _you_."

"You shouldn't have," Harry replied, looking down in shame. "Everyone who cares about me usually ends up dead."

Remus sighed. "Harry, listen to me. I know there are times when you want to—believe me I've tried—but you simply cannot change the past. Sirius died and there is nothing you can do about it."

"I know," Harry whispered. "But he was the only father I've ever known…" His eyes watered and tears flowed down his face. Remus embraced Harry again, and let the child cry on his shoulder, but Remus himself did not start crying.

"_I'd be right along with you Harry_," he thought somberly. "_But I don't have enough tears to cry any more. That was all done in private_…"

After a few minutes, the crying subdued once more. Harry turned around again and wiped his eyes on his shirt and then turned to face the last remaining parental figure he had left.

"What now?" He asked numbly.

"We go home." Remus replied with a sigh. "There are some very concerned people in the Order who have been very worried about you. Come on, let's go."

Harry hesitated, going pale.

"Remus, you can't," he stuttered fearfully. "You can't tell them—please don't tell them…about this…"

"_I'm_ not going to tell them, Harry," he replied as he watched the relief spread across the teenager's face. "But I believe _you_ should…when you're ready…"

"And that time is not going to be any time in _this_ century," Harry muttered darkly. Remus chuckled softly. Harry gave him a weak smile as they started to walk back towards Privet Drive. "Oh, and Remus…" he said quietly.

"Yes," he prompted.

"Thanks," Harry told him.

Remus smiled sincerely. "You're welcome."

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A.N.: Okay…done. So…what'd you think? Did it make you cry? Reviews are highly appreciated, and make author feel happy so she can update quicker. (hint hint) Okay, readers that would be your cue to hit the little scroll button at the bottom left-hand corner of the page that says 'Review'. More coming soon!!!

Next Chapter: Back to Number Twelve Grimmauld Place. A lot of things have changed after Sirius' death…will anything ever be the same?


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